On Wings of Eagles

I was feeling so tired and overwhelmed with everything that we did last week, everything coming up, and all that is going to happen with school starting:  IEP meetings, new teachers, new classmates, new routines to establish, etc.

And to tell you the truth, we just really have a lot to deal with these days.

“These days” started around November 2002 when the twins were born; one being extremely sensitive to everything and cried most of the first 4 months.

It seemed then, that we had “too much on our plate” as people would say to us.  Then Sketch was born and we heard that even more.  Then Dash was diagnosed with autism in 2004 (I think the extreme ADHD part didn’t need a diagnosis, it spoke for itself!)

At this point, friends we had made started to disappear. I think it was just too much for them; they didn’t know what to do, they were ovewhelmed by what they saw and so they must have decided to just not get involved; to take a step back.

Then Sketch’s medical problems (eczema, reflux, food allergies, extreme asthma) started around the age of 10 months, in 2006.  Things got harder than “too much”.

In 2007, when Sketch was 2, he was also diagnosed with autism.  His color on the spectrum was very different from Dash. Dash is more yellow: a sensory seeker-extreme boy type.  Sketch is more red: the sensory avoider-anxious type… the kind that tends to have terrible meltdowns…often.  In 2011, he was also diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.

Our surprise baby in 2011 has been a wonderful joy, but along with her came a sudden onset of crippling aggressive Rheumatoid Arthritis for me.

I won’t even go into the many other things that could be added to the list along with these. It’s too much to type.  Too much to read.  It IS overwhelming.

On Sunday when I was standing in worship, singing the songs that had been chosen for that day, the words to Chris Tomlin’s song “Everlasting God” really struck me.  They are directly from the Scriptures:

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the week. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

And relief poured over me as I felt my heart beat slow, muscles unclench, and a calmness settle on my shoulders. There IS ONE who will never grow tired or weary of hearing what goes on at our house; in our lives.  There is ONE who will listen over and over to my problems, to my complaints about my RA pains and symptoms.  He understands like no other; he understands completely.

Not only is He always there to pour out my heart to, but He promises to give me strength to carry on. He will make me soar on eagles wings, and run this race without growing weary.

Matt 11:29-30 says, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.


Click here:  Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin  to listen to the song.



When Time Stands Still

You know it’s either really good, or really bad when time stands still.

I lost track of time, it seemed unchanging because my boy was missing.

This time, our neighbor saw Sketch (age 7, autism) walking down toward the farm at the end of our street.

Since I can’t run after him anymore (thanks to RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis), I called down to Mr. Incredible who was working in his office in our basement.  He and Mr. Neighbor went in search of Sketch.

I wait, holding PolkaDot looking out the window.

Princess Buttercup comes up to me and teasingly kicks me with her mismatched neon socks.  I tell her what is going on.

“Can I go look for him too?”

I think about it… It’s 5:00, the farm trucks zoom down the road this time of day.  “I don’t know, you may get hurt with how fast the trucks fly down our street!”

“I”ll walk on the side of the street and be careful, Please?”

I think about all the times our In-Home Supports person used to take the kids on walks in the woods down there, and how Princess Buttercup really could be helpful in finding him…I think about how when I was 9 years old, I walked around the neighborhood all the time… So, I agree.

Princess Buttercup walks cautiously down the street.  I see someone walking back up the street toward our house, carrying  something.  I can’t see well because of the trees but I think for a minute it is Mr. Incredible carrying Sketch.

It wasn’t.

Then I think it was Mr. Neighbor and his bike, but it wasn’t.

Then I see.

It is the teenage Neighbor-Boy with his  2 small dogs.  The search party no where in sight.

This is where panic begins to set in.

I walk out with PolkaDot to the end of the driveway to watch.

The Friendly Neighbor-Boy says, “Hi”.  Apparently his new dog ran away and wouldn’t come back when he called for him.

I told him we have the same problem here with one of our kids and I look down the street where I hope to see them coming home safely.

And, I do!

Dash comes out at this point and says he’s starving.  We talk a bit with Mr. Neighbor and thank him profusely!

Dash says he’s “Sooooo Hungry!”

So we go inside.

It’s 5:10.

I couldn’t believe only 10 minutes had passed.

It seemed like time was moving so fast as it ticked away without my boy. At the same time, it seemed like it was going equally slow and I just wanted him back quickly and safely.

It seemed like time stood still.

Thinking like someone with ASD, it makes perfect sense.  xFast + xSlow= Still.

Time didn’t matter. It had no purpose…

The track team could wait.  Dinner could wait.

This time, time standing still was really bad but ended good.

When I think about the equation xFast + xSlow = still, and how time can go fast and slow all at the same time I think about the verse in Psalms 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Sometimes it seems like forever that we wait to hear from God.  When he  reveals himself, it seems like so much happens so fast.  How does God change a personal paradigm in one breath?  Change the way we think with a quick whisper to our hearts?  How does he instantly heal and set us on a different path in life?

It is perplexingly beautiful. It causes one to be awestruck.

It makes me want to just be still.

Little Blessings


BOOM Boom.  Boom-Boom-Boom!

I feel every sound enter their little bodies as they lay against me, like shots from a gun.

I’m sure someone is going to launch.  Sketch (7, autism/anxiety/adhd) and PolkaDot (11months) are going to be inconsolable.  But again, I’m wrong.  The twins (9) stand in the sand watching the fireworks over the beach.  Dash (autism/adhd) has his ears covered and Princess Buttercup is soaking in every explosion and all it’s beauty!

Mr. Incredible holds our nervous PolkaDot for a while and Sketch continues to drape himself over my RA’d legs, fingers firmly pressed into his ears.


I look down at his face and see just smiles and giggles and then a request for “More Boom?”

He LOVED it!  Who’da guessed?

They’ve come soooo far!  I am just beside myself in thankfulness for this day…

The 6th of July.

The 4th was a thunderstorming evening so the fireworks were cancelled (Disappointment #1).

We tried to go on the 5th, but Portland was over-packed with people and cars and there was no parking in the entire town close enough for us to be able to walk to the display site.

(Disappointment sets in a second time)

We drove to Freeport, thinking L.L. Beans would have rescheduled their fireworks for the 5th as well, but that was not the case (# 3)…. So we walked around Beans a while.  By the time we got back to the car, my knees felt like they were ripping from walking to much.

But I was the only one complaining.

Wow.  No tears or fussing about missing the fireworks.  We told the kids that we would try Old Orchard Beach the next day if we missed it today, and they were ok with that!   Miracle of miracles!!!

Any kid would be disappointed after looking forward to the fireworks and twice having to reschedule, but with ASD kids, the upset-ness rises to a whole new level as schedules change without warning.  But they handled it so well, over and over again!

Little Blessings.

They’re actually huge blessings.  The kids have come so far, it is really amazing!

James 1:17a

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights”

Somebody Else’s Story

I will never forget the day when Joy told me that God was using me in her story.  That was the highest compliment I have ever received.  No doubt, a treasure found in the dust of life.

“I wanna play a part
Of somebody finding hope
Somebody finding hope in God of Heaven”

Joy isn’t her real name, of course.  But as I thought of names to use for her, this was the one that jumped out in my mind as perfect.

I’m sure right about now she is thinking I’m nuts, but the reason this is the perfect name for her is because one day, she WILL be filled with joy.  One day, the sadness and hurt will be wiped away.  One day she will be completely healed.

“I wanna play a part
Of somebody finding comfort
Somebody finding comfort when their hurting”

Somebody Else’s Story is a song written by John Waller.  (You can listen to it by clicking on the link)  I was listening it in the car this week, and remembered Joy and how she said God is using me to make a difference in her story.

“I wanna be the one
To shine the light of Jesus
Into their darkness”

When God reaches down to the deepest darkest hurts and brings light, dispells shame and heals you there… you just want to share that with someone!  You want to help somebody else.

“This hope in me was not meant to be
Contained inside I’ve got to give it away”

When God brought me Joy to share with, the joy ran…runs deep in my soul.  Somehow the events of the past make more sense…it is somehow ok-er than it was.

“So lead me to that someone I pray
Lord, I wanna bring you glory
In somebody Else’s story”

I was overcome with gratefulness and joy, that God has done such a work in my own life that he can use my story to help others and bring glory to Himself.

That’s what it is all about, really. We are comforted so we can comfort others.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Whether it is being able to comfort others in having children with special needs and autism, or dealing with life threatening food allergies and asthma, or sharing the hope and comfort God rains down in the midst of Rheumatoid Arthritis with someone else who has it, or healings of tragic events of the past, it is a treasure and honor, an absolute joy to be able to be a part of somebody else’s story and bring God glory.

(All quotes are lyrics from John Waller’s song, Somebody Else’s Story)

Muller Moments

When we don’t behave as Sketch expects, he gets mad.  For example, when we are driving somewhere, Sketch (and Dash too, for that matter!) have strong opinions on what roads we should take to get there.  This caused such problems, since they never agreed on the correct road, that we instituted a rule:  All the time, the driver picks!  It took a few weeks of disappointments when we went our way, but it did pay off and we could have somewhat peaceful drives again.  Sketch continued to request the route he wanted, and we’d faithfully chime, “All the time the driver picks!”  He’d come to love to hear that response, because that’s what happens when he gives a direction.  He could count on it.

Well, one day we found out how much he counted on it.  Usually, we turn right onto his favorite road, but it was a day with heavy rain, and part of the road was not paved, so we opted to go a different route.  This time, as we approached the road we usually take, Sketch requested, “Go straight!”  Typically, we would have said, “All the time the driver picks” and turn right anyway, but on this day we did to go straight because of the rain.  Sketch reached near panic level when we went straight, even though that was the way he said he wanted to go.  A full fledge tantrum the rest of the way home, followed.  All because we didn’t do what he expected. We didn’t behave.

Recently, it seemed to me that God wasn’t behaving either, and I felt like having my own tantrum!  I thought there was some “rule” in the Bible about how many “big problems” God would allow a person to go though at one time?  I was still in the middle of finding out I was struck with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Still had yet to see the Rheumatologist.  Still very crippled from the raging pain in my joints.  And then God allowed another “big problem”.  Mr. Incredible may loose his job!

God didn’t behave as I expected, but he did behave according to His promises.  He upheld every one, and our family as well.  He let me experience a taste of what George Muller experienced as he believed God for providing his every need, and every need of the orphanages he created.  I call these experiences, “Muller Moments”.

Here is what happened:

My “Mueller Moments” happened a couple months ago when my husband got word that there was trouble brewing with the parent company where he works.  That was Wednesday, September 28th.  By Friday morning, in an unfair and un-real set of events, he and all his coworkers were fired and the office was shut down.  This was the last day of the month, meaning we were also suddenly without health insurance.  To complicate matters, Cobra wasn’t even an option since the entire office was shut down, there was no insurance group to “Cobra” to.

There are no words to express the panic and stress that followed the news on Wednesday.  We were unable to sleep, literally sick to our stomachs….  I was still in the beginning of understanding my illness. How could He allow this to happen now?  How could He let this happen with a new baby to care & provide for?  God was not behaving the way I thought he should!

Thursday, Mr. Incredible went to work and cleared out his office, in expectation of the worst occurring.  I tried to recapture some of the sleep that I had missed the night before, so I took Polkadot to the changing table to give her a clean diaper before tucking her in.  As I looked at those diapers, seeing how many were left I worried about how we will buy diapers if we suddenly have no income.

I took Polkadot up to bed and attempt to sleep…my head was buzzing from the adrenalin that had been surging in my mind.  After about 40 minutes, I finally felt myself start to nod off to sleep.


Of course, the phone rings!  Frustrated to be woken, I answer the phone. It’s someone from our church. She wanted to know if we could use any size one diapers, since her son just outgrew them.

“Yes, we’d love to take them! Thank you so much!” I said.

Wasn’t I just worried about how we’d get diapers?  Did this really just happen?  I mean, I know God says not to worry, but it is really hard to apply that when fearing the very floor of your house is about to be ripped out from under your feet.

When Mr. Incredible was done packing up his personal things from his office, he came home…  Because of how badly the RA was raging through my joints, I needed his help to make dinner.  I didn’t really feel like eating, but was very grateful to have as much food in the house as we did.

I add the final touch to the dish I’d made, sprinkling cheese on top.  I secure the lid and let the heat melt the cheese.  The table has been cleared off, and I go to the cupboard to get the first plate to load a serving onto.


Who on earth could that be?

“Hello?” I answer the door with the blue plate resting in my arm.

“Hi, I’m Theresa, from ladies Bible study. I brought you a meal.” She had a still-hot, ready-to-eat meal in her hands!  I’d forgotten it is Thursday, and the people from my Bible study were bringing us meals since it was so painful and hard for me to cook.

“Thank you, very much!” I said as I flash back to a story I’d read about George Muller, who started orphanages in England, and would only ask God for the things he needed to start and maintain it.  He never asked a person for anything.  God always provided.  One time though, things got really tight:

“I hate to bother you , Mr. Muller, ” began the matron, “but it’s happened.  The children are all ready for breakfast and there is not a thing in the house to eat. What shall I tell them?”  

George stood up.  “I’ll take care of it. Just give me a minute,” he said. 

Before going to the dining room at Number One Orphan House, George walked out into the garden.  “Abigail, Abigail, come here, ” he called.

Abigail ran up to him. “What is it?” she asked.  

George reached down and took her hand.  “Come and see what God will do,”he said as he escorted her to the dining room.  

Inside they found three hundred children standing in neat rows behind their chairs.  Set on the table in front of each child were a plate, a mug , and a knife, fork, and spooon.  But there was no food whatsoever to be seen.  George watched as Abigail’s eyes grew wide with astonishment.  “But, where’s the food?” Abigail asked in a whisper. 

“God will supply,” George told her quietly, before he turned to address the children.  “there’s not much time. I don’t want any of you to be late for school, so let us pray,” he announced.  

As the children bowed their heads, George simply prayed, “Dear God, we thank you for what you are going to give us to eat.  Amen.”

George looked up and smiled at the children.  “You may be seated,” he said.  He had no idea at all where the food he had just prayed for would come from or how it would get to the orphanage.  He just knew God would not fail the children.  

A thunderous din filled the room as three hundred chairs were scuffed across the wooden floor.  Soon all three hundred children sat obediently in front of their empty plates.  

No sooner had the noise in the dining room subsided than there was a knock at the door.  George walked over and opened the door.  In the doorway stood the baker, holding a huge tray of delicious smelling bread. 

“Mr. Muller,” began the baker, “I couldn’t sleep last night.  I kept thinking that somehow you would need bread this morning and that I was supposed to get up and bake it for you.  So I got up at two o’clock and made three batches for you. I hope you can use it.”

George smiled broadly.  “God has blessed us through you this morning,” he said as he took the tray of bread from the baker.  

“There’s two more trays out in the cart,” said the baker.  “I’ll fetch them.”

Within minutes, the children were all eating freshly baked bread.  As they were enjoying it, there was a second knock at the door.  This time it was the milkman, who took off his hat and addressed George.  “I’m needing a little help, if you could, sir.  The wheel on my cart has broken, right outside your establishment.  I’ll have to lighten my load before I can fix it.  There’s ten full cans of milk on it.  Could you use them?”  Then looking at the orphans, sitting in neat rows,  he added, “Free of charge, of course.  Just send someone out to get them.  I’ll never fix the cart with all that weight on it.”  

George dispatched twenty of the older children to help, and soon they had the ten cans of milk stowed in the kitchen, where it was dispensed with a ladle.  There was enough milk for every child to have a mug full and enough left over for them all to have some in their tea at lunch.

Half an hour after George and Abigail had entered the dining room, three hundred orphans with full stomaches filed out.” pp 166-168 from George Muller, The Guardian of Bristol’s Orphans, by Janet & Geoff Benge

As the picture of this scene replayed in my mind, I stood in shock at the door with my empty plate.  I put the plate down and received the hot meal.  I turned to Mr. Incredible and said, “We just had a Muller Moment!”

Funny thing is, that we didn’t need a meal that night. We had one, literally ready to be dished out onto plates.  But God burned deep into my soul, that He is aware of what is happening, and He will provide. We can count on it. He even provided when we thought we’d be in need, but actually had plenty, so that we wouldn’t worry. So we would trust Him.  So I would know that He is my provider, not a job, not any person, but God alone.

Friday, it was official that everyone lost their jobs. I was sick, still, thinking about how badly things could turn out.  There was no way we could sell our house.  And just imagining having to move and find new in-home supports, new schools, new IEP’s, new teachers, new doctors, new specialists, all while Mr. Incredible (hopefully) starts a new job, was overwhelming!

Remembering George Muller, and how he would not worry, but believed God to provide for everything, thinking about how he prayed specificially for every detail of his needs, I decided that I was being called to do the same thing.

I went upstairs and prayed over every single bill we had, every upcoming expense, every need I was worrying about.  I was specific, to the point of praying for long sleeve onesies for Polkadot, and some jeans. The weather was getting colder and she only had summer clothes in 0-3 month size.  I asked God to provide for everything. I didn’t ask a person for anything, I didn’t mention what I had prayed for to anyone.

The next Tuesday our Bible study met again.  A friend greeted me with a gift bag, a belated baby-shower gift since she was in another state when Polkadot had her shower.

I could not believe my eyes when I opened that bag and saw some long sleeve onesies and a pair of jeans!  And, in 0-3 month size!  Most people buy up for a new baby, but she bought the exact size she needed right now.

God provides.  He promises it and tells us not to worry about anything. He knows how hard that is for us, but he also knows how good it is for us to not be anxious about anything.  So he promises us that He is our provider, and He always keeps his promises!

Everything has turned out ok.  Mr. Incredible was offered a temporary but full time (with benefits) job the same Friday that he lost his job.  We thought we had no insurance for October, but in some unknown strange set of events, the insurance we had with his previous company was reinstated, retroactive to October 1st and his new insurance started November 1st!  God took care of all the details.

As Beth Moore said in the video sessions for Believing God:  Sometimes God doesn’t move the mountain, sometimes he splits the mountain in half so we can walk through it.

That’s exactly what happened.  When there was no way, God made a way.

I don’t know about you, but I’m Believing God!

Struck Down But Not Destroyed

‘Twas a dark and stormy night… well, it was the night that Hurricane Irene blew threw New England.  As lightening struck randomly outside, it seemed to have struck very specifically inside. Right through to my joints, introducing a whole new texture to the dust in our lives.

I woke up in the middle of the night to feed Polkadot, and when I tried to move, I realized I’d been struck by lightening.  At least, that’s how it felt.  My joints were on fire.  The next day I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with bursitis in my right shoulder, and the other achy joints were kind of dismissed as tendonitis due to repetitive motion from dealing with a new baby…basically, it was a coincidence that they were all hurting at once.

Over the next few days, the “achy” joints became excruciatingly painful as well.  I was unable to do anything without the electrocuting pain bringing me to tears. It seemed like I was crippled over night.  It was clear, that this was more than it initially seemed.  Over the next few weeks, after many calls to the doctor, and much labwork, I have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  RA is a life-long autoimmune condition that has devastating potential as it damages the joints and possibly internal organs as well.

So here we are, a brand new baby (now 8 weeks old!) and 3 other kids, 2 with Autism/Adhd, posssibly Tourettes not to mention the food allergies of anaphylactic proportions!  If it didn’t hurt so much, it would almost be humorous.  At some point, enough is enough.  At some point, the options are to give up completely, or to rely on the God who holds all things together…especially my joints!

It’s funny what people think at times like this.  Said aloud or thought silently, they are there non-the-less… Questions.

“How could this happen?  You did not need this!  What are you going to do? How are you managing with your family? How could God let this happen?  You have enough on your plate already!”

The questions have run through my head as well, which is probably why that “look” is all I need to hear it in someone else.

It’s ok though. To ask the questions, that is.  They need to be asked, after all!  Better to wonder where God is in this than to NOT wonder where he is!

And the questions don’t scare me. As I said, I’ve thought them, and God has supplied the answers, the comfort. He’s sung the songs over me at night, whispering to me in the morning.

I remember one day specifically when the lyrics of 2 songs collided beautifully in my mind.

One was Tommy Walkers, “I Have a Hope” (lyrics are listed below).  We’d sung it in church right after the pain had started. The song is one of the most uplifting songs out there, reminding me that God has a plan for me that is good (despite my circumstances) and that He can turn this darkness into light.  He is giving me a new beginning, not a painful end!

The other song was “The Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns.  I woke up one morning to that song playing in my mind, loudly in my ears as if God were placing headphones on me!  The chorus says:

“But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth”

The lyrics to those two songs intermixed in my mind for the next few days. As I would be thinking of how scary this is, not knowing what was happening to me, and if it would ever end, “Do not be afraid!” would remind me that “I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me.  My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun”.  And then the chorus would come “I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer. I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my Life. He takes my darkness and He turns it into light I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God.”  And that would remind me that “This is for my glory” and I WILL choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth!  “Though trials may come, I have this hope!”

How’s that for cool?  The God of the universe is entering my world through music, strengthening my faith, encouraging me to believe Him.  To believe that His promises are still true, regardless of my circumstances and as a matter of fact, because trials do come in this life, they are there to encourage me!  Why would God bother with promises if we never had need of them?

And finally, the big question looming out there that no one wants to ask is:  Why did He give us a surprise baby to care for  and then allow this?

That one is easy.  Polkadot is such a Joy to have here with me, and amidst the worst pain, when she smiles at me, that smile strikes straight through that pain, into my heart and reminds me that God has been so good to me!

So it has been not of my own strength, but because of His presence, His words, His body, even… that I have not been destroyed in this.

The body, our local church, has been wonderful in all this. Encouraging me, praying fervently, helping with things that I can no longer do. And the part of the body closest to me, My wonderful Mr. Incredible, has used his super-strength now for 3 weeks, being my arms to reach and lift things, my hands to open packages and containers. He’s been my fingers, tying my shoes, and basically he has been my whole body, doing most everything for the kids.

I may have been struck down, but they are here to help me up.  I may have been struck down, but I have not been destroyed. As a matter of fact, in my weakness, God is making my faith strong…

2 Corinthians 12:9-10: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I HAVE A HOPE by Tommy Walker

I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope

God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope

I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God

My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope

Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope

There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me

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